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Hitting Home - Domestic violence
Survivors - Jennie
'I lived with an abuser for 29 years'
I'm Jenny, I lived with an abuser for 29 years; except I didn't know or accept that what he was doing to me was abuse.
He was the kind of man everybody loved, the charmer and 'Mr Fix It', he was on hand should any one need him. But he had a dark side and I soon learned where I could draw the line.
'He would slap, punch and kick me mainly after a night out.'
Most of the time my opinions where dismissed or I was talked across in the middle of a conversation. I soon began to think that my opinion didn't count became the butt of the 'her indoors jokes' or 2 children later 'how stupid your mother is'. They were his children when they were good and mine when they were bad. He whittled away at my self-confidence, nothing suited me even at size 12 (which I'll never see again) I was fat, ugly and stupid- and a lot more, which, if you're with an abusive partner you will know about.
He would slap, punch and kick me mainly after a night out, he would accuse me of flirting, when all I'd done was watch him chat up all and sundry wherever we where. He had affair after affair even fathering a 'love child', all of which he denied and if I was honest I denied too.
'In the end you are so confused that you equate a slap to the love that comes afterwards'
I would sit and gaze out of the window and long for a normal life. I was OK I told myself he only hit me, smashed things up and threatened me when the children were asleep, wasn't he always sorry in the morning? He would cry, blame his childhood, say he would kill himself if I left, that I was the only thing that kept him going.
I would sit, face battered and swollen, a black eye or a split head, broken nose cradling this man, forgiving all his abuse. This is all part of the conditioning the men use, so in the end you are so confused; feel so useless that you equate a slap to the love that comes afterwards.
'5 times I left this man and 5 times I returned'
5 times I left this man and 5 times I returned after listening to his pleas of I can't live without you!
Each time I returned the slaps became harder- the how dare you leave me became the norm- how dare I treat him this way - so much so that I felt like the guilty party. Friends had long stopped calling as they were fed up with being chatted up or witnessing the slaps. It caused too much friction to return their calls. This is how my abuser isolated me. Sometimes he would accuse them of 'trying it on' with him and always say they were no good.
'A lovely lady from the Local Women's Refuge made me realise that he didn't drink because of me (he drank because he wanted to).'
It was only when I met a lovely lady from the Local Women's Refuge. I began to realise that he didn't drink because of me (he drank because he wanted to). That it was wrong to be shaking, sneaking around the house on tip toe praying that no one disturbed his drunken stupor.
The first thing I would do when I opened the door was to place my fingers against my lips to 'shush' them. The last thing I needed was this man to wake up and start on me; anything would kick him off. Something on TV, or he'd ask me questions. I would try and second guest him but woe betide me if the answer was wrong, if I ignored him that was even worse. The verbal abuse would go on for hours accumulating into physical abuse, only then was this man satisfied. Many times I would be too frightened to go upstairs and instead use a mop bucket for a toilet for fear of disturbing the drunk in bed.
'The camaraderie and inner strength of women from the same circumstances made me see the light.'
Counselling helped the to dispense with the feelings of despair - my mother was fed up with me- my children didn't want to take sides, besides didn't I always go back?
Not this time, this time I wanted to see my grandchildren in peace, not be on tender hooks waiting for the worm to turn. And I'VE DONE IT - it took a change of job (after 12 years in the same employment) a trip to court helped by Victim Support and a wonderful Family Liaison Policeman. The Women's Refuge, who I still go and see and the Freedom Programme (thank you Pat) which made me open my eyes. The camaraderie and inner strength of women from the same circumstances; all walks of life made me see the light.
'I am a Survivor; you can be too.'
I walk in freedom now, I don't duck the blows and you can too, you are not alone and its nothing you have done which has caused you to be a Victim. The memories of which 1 in 4 of us lives with everyday.
I am a Survivor; you can be too. This is Christmas Eve and NO ONE will spoil Christmas for my children, my grandchildren or me ever again.
The Freedom Programme has a website at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Your local council will have contact numbers should you need any help, don't be afraid, that is what they are there.
'Perhaps this poem sums up my feeling towards my domestic violence experience:'
Perpetual torment, never
ending treadmill
From the man who when sober was straight
The mood swings
the inklings of things
that can hurt you, that hit you, smack right in the
face
The money that's wasted
The life never tasted
As inside these
four walls you sit
A life that is passing oblivion lasting
As halfway
through the bottle it hits
The knife edge your living
Forever forgiving
The abuse from his fists and his mouth
Lost steps of direction which
need some correction
When he doesn't know north-west from south
And so
when he's sleeping
And you sit there weeping
You'll wonder what life's
all about
For just one more bottle
I've had a bad day
The words echo
long and so hard
What lies for tomorrow?
I think in my sorrow
Depends
on the turn of the card.
- Jenny 2002
Uit: www.bbc.co.uk/health/hh/index.shtml
Zie ook: Netwerk huiselijk geweld
Mariska Kruijff interviewde Hans Pijnaker, de vertaler en bewerker van het boek
Donald
G. Dutton, Susan K. Golant en Hans Pijnaker
De partnermishandelaar,
een psychologisch profiel
Bohn Stafleu van Lochem,
2000
Uit
dit boek:
Praktijkadviezen voor mannen
Praktijkadviezen voor vrouwen
’T
IS NACHT. ’K ZIT OP DE HEI. NERGENS GELUID.
Over me staat, als
transparant kristal
Rondom een oude berggod in zijn hal
Een halve bol
van stilte, die me omsluit.
’K
hoor, hoe heel ver een lang gillende fluit
Een tunnel boort; mijn berg kraakt
overal.
Een blaf, ginds, hakt een gat; en recht en smal
Knapt een spleet
open, tot mijn oor hem stuit.
’K
hoor ’t levend bloed, dat in mijn slapen gonst
Neen: ’t is het
hart van de aarde: het trilt, het bonst,
Of ’t niet de god uit zijn
verdoving wekt.
Om
goed te luist’ren, doe ik de ogen dicht,
Maar ’k word gehinderd
nu door ’t sterrelicht,
Dat tikkelend door fijne gaatjes lekt.
- J.A. Dèr Mouw (1863-1919)
...
ik ben vervuld van die verzen. Toen ik ze in de trein las dacht ik: een ster van
de eerste grootte. Een evenement in de literatuur. [...] Het is alles echt van
begin tot eind, en het is zeer bijzonder. Er komen wel heel wonderlijke regels
in, maar ik ben nu geneigd het alles te aanvaarden, en geen aanmerkingen te maken.
Iemand die zó schrijft, moet zelf beoordelen wat hij doet en wij moeten
hem zijn gang laten gaan. Ik ben er heel blij om, zeg hem dat. Ik heb een heel
zuiver gevoel van vreugde, dat zulk werk in deze tijd mogelijk is. Ik dacht niet
dat het nu nog mogelijk was zoveel uit deze vers-vorm te halen. Wat een wondere
tijd is het.
De mensen zullen het soms heel lelijk en mal vinden. Maar
dat is juist wat verwacht moet worden. De onbekende Dichter gaat te werk met een
vrijheid, een durf, die juist is wat wij Significi nodig hebben. Hij sleept alles
naar zijn nest, en rijmt allerlei talen en uitdrukkingen aaneen, juist zoals de
Groten van elke tijd gedaan hebben.
- Frederik van Eeden (1860-1932) over J.A. Dèr Mouw
Uit:
J.A. Dèr Mouw (Adwaita)
'K ben Brahman. Maar we zitten zonder meid
Samengesteld en ingeleid door Gerrit Komrij
Ooievaar, 2000
The Dharma Jewel Platform
Sutra
The Sutra of the 6th
Patriarch, Hui Neng
Translated by A.F. Price and Wong Mou-Lam
From Chapter I
[...] I was selling firewood in the market one day, when one of my customers ordered some to be brought to his shop. Upon delivery being made and payment received, I left the shop, outside of which I found a man reciting a sutra. As soon as I heard the text of this sutra my mind at once became enlightened. Thereupon I asked the man the name of the book he was reciting and was told that it was the Diamond Sutra. I further enquired whence he came and why he recited this particular sutra. He replied that he came from Tung Ch’an Monastery in the Huang Mei District of Ch’i Chou; that the Abbot in charge of this temple was Hung Yen, the Fifth Patriarch; that there were about one thousand disciples under him; and that when he went there to pay homage to the Patriarch, he attended lectures on this sutra.
He further told me that His Holiness used to encourage the laity as well as the monks to recite this scripture, as by doing so they might realize their own Essence of Mind, and thereby reach Buddhahood directly.
It must be due to my good karma in past lives that I heard about this, and that I was given ten taels for the maintenance of my mother by a man who advised me to go to Huang Mei to interview the Fifth Patriarch. After arrangements had been made for her, I left for Huang Mei, which took me less than thirty days to reach.
I
then went to pay homage to the Patriarch, and was asked where I came from and
what I expected to get from him. I replied,
“I am a commoner from
Hsin Chou of Kwangtung. I have traveled far to pay you respect and I ask for nothing
but Buddhahood.”
“You are a native of Kwangtung, a barbarian?
How can you expect to be a Buddha?” asked the Patriarch.
I replied,
“Although there are northern men and southern men, north and south make
no difference to their Buddha-nature. A barbarian is different from Your Holiness
physically, but there is no difference in our Buddha-nature.”
He was going to speak further to me, but the presence of other disciples made
him stop short. He then ordered me to join the crowd to work.
“May I tell Your Holiness,” said I, “that Prajna (transcendental Wisdom) often rises in my mind. When one does not go astray from one’s own Essence of Mind, one may be called the ‘field of merits’. I do not know what work Your Holiness would ask me to do.”
“This
barbarian is too bright,” he remarked. “Go to the stable and speak
no more.”
I then withdrew myself to the back yard and was told
by a lay brother to split firewood and to pound rice.
De Platform Sutra wordt vermeld in de Reading List van John Daido Loori, Roshi, abt van Zen Mountain Monastery, Mount Tremper, NY, USA.
The Enemy of my Enemy is
My Friend:
A Developmental Look at the War in Iraq
[January 2003]
Ray Harris
As I begin this piece it has been reported that US, British and Australian Special Forces are already in Iraq. President Bush has stepped up the rhetoric and war seems inevitable—but then again, perhaps it was always inevitable.
One of the clichés of the terrorist attacks of September the 11th was that the attacks had changed the world forever. But had they? Weren’t the attacks simply the deadly consequence of the way things had always been, and still are?
In the Memes at War series and in the Blood Brotherhoods I looked at the issue of terrorism and its consequences from a developmental perspective. I argued in Memes that the memetic shock waves would be felt for some time. The question to ask is: is the proposed war on Iraq a part of the aftermath of those shock waves or actually a part of the problem that caused the attacks on the World Trade Centre in the first place? Because there is credible evidence that a war on Iraq was a part of the Bush agenda before the events of 9/11. Has America learnt anything?
This paper is divided into two sections. The first is a necessarily brief historical background. The second is a developmental analysis. [...]
Lees verder op www.integralworld.com en klik dan op Readingroom en vervolgens op Ray Harris - The Enemy of my Enemy is My Friend: A Developmental Look at the War in Iraq, January 2003.
Lees ook wat Ken Wilber een jaar geleden (februari 2002) hierover schreef.